...

guess if i can stay in there again for sure. it's not that i'm selfish, but i'm tired yet bored with all of these.

you know what? i want to go to my real home. with no warmness, i'm dying inside.

i'm telling you the truth,

i'm sick. i want to have my time with my family back.

always put my heart to care about you doesn't make me any better.

i'm tired of crying over someone who keep giving me huge scars.

such a failure. i shouldn't choose here..

-x-o0o-x-

to be honest, it's so improper for me to say this.

but to be honest, i feel nothing but uncomfortable and sick here.

this is not my home. my home is some meters away from this place.

those people with black shirts, with some of them play musics, dance, act, and have a feeling together..

when i broke down,

they cheered for me.

when i acted nonsense,

they laughed for me.

though i had tough days there,

they're the best family i ever have.

after my real family, they're the most comfortable people to lean on.

in this place,

how can i survive?

how can i lean on someone, when i am the one who is leaned on?

i know that i know nothing about this place,

he does,

he know everything that this place needs.

when he needs support,

i always cheer his decisions.

when he chooses something,

i rarely say 'no' to him.

but..

it's different to his actions towards me.

why look at me with those sinister eyes, when you know that i always hurt when looking at them?

why write those words with much sarcasm, when you know that i can't stand them?

why make your friends send hatred to me, when you know that i need friends, and now i have more people hate at me?

you are selfish.

sorry for saying this, but i'm enough of all of this.

i'm tired. i have enough of your harsh words and gestures, which you never know that it is your biggest mistake.

you.. never learn how to be sensitive toward people's feelings.

you want to be known, to be understood by people around you.

i tried, but i know that i have limits.

spending a year with you, is one of hardest times i ever pass through.

you bring me back the trauma. when my own friend insult me, being cynical toward me, tell friends to hate me.. 

it's sickening.

if i may turn back the time,

i wouldn't choose to be the main part of this place.

but who knows?

i sacrificed my time to this place, i sacrificed my dream and broke my promise with my 'father' for staying at this place.

i promised ''my father' to follow an event together at 2012.

i dreamed to follow this event with my dear friends, who know how to love and care with people around them.

it's so different.

being around you and being around them is different.

but my point of view changed..

it changed after i had a practice for school's event.

it changed after i received three candies, which written so-encourage words behind them.

it changed after some of my juniors smiled at me, greeted me happily, said that they need and love me..

 i'm still having some nice friends in this place.

 though i'm the one who is suffering with hatred which given by some of you,

 in this place, and in my very own class.

i want to scream :

"FUCK IT, ARE YOU LISTENING?"

but i will be a such a mess.

though i'm already a mess,

with you around.

i still have,

1, 2, 3..

4 days to live in this place.

then i won't face you again.

then i won't be so-respectful to you again.

you are so heartless.

when some of your juniors left (or planned to leave) this community, why are you being so sarcastic?

you should try to change their view on us!

you should try to maintain them to be our juniors!

you just need to ask why they're planning to leave,

not to mock them!

i almost cried when i heard that i almost lose one of my juniors,

though finally he still decided to stay at here.

i was sad to know that my another junior can't join tomorrow's training,

because she isn't allowed by her parents, though she wants to join it.

i couldn't believe when one of the-most-active-members decided to out from this community,

and you didn't even care about her! you even said that we didn't need her here..

you are wrong.

we need ALL of our JUNIORS.

with my lack of happiness here, i'm stil surviving to have 'em as our members.

with my wounded heart, i'm still trying my best to make 'em feel comfortable at here.

i know that i'm USELESS when it comes to manage a community.

but what i know about a community is, it is a FAMILY.

like i'm having at my real home.

so i only know that what i should do is maintain all of the members.

to maintain all of the juniors, because i see them as my little brothers and sisters.

so i only know to care of their feelings, because we said that WE ARE FAMILY.

if i don't love them,

if i don't love my juniors,

if i don't RESPECT you as my vice,

if i don't APPRECIATE my friends at this place,

if i don't want to keep my promise at the earlier leader of this place,

I WOULD HAVE LEAVE THIS PLACE!

but i DO love them,

i DO love my juniors,

i DO respect at you,

i DO appreciate my friends here,

i DO want to keep my promise at the earlier leader of this place.

though i rarely feel comfortable in these late months,

though i often offended,

though i always hated,

though i always been insulted via statuses,

though i always be blamed by you,

though in my deepest heart i don't want to stay at here, and want to run to my real home..

i sacrificed myself for this place.

and I PROMISE THAT MY JUNIORS MAY NOT FEEL THIS KIND OF FEELING.

THEY MAY NOT BE HURT, LIKE WHAT I OFTEN FEEL HERE.